Untitled

When really good ideas go really bad

Just in time for the spring mugging season, Taser International has issued a press release touting two new products. According to the release, Taser International has unveiled a sporty leopard print Taser C2 personal protection device and a Taser MPH, or Music Player Holster.
   The MPH is a holster designed to hold the C2 Taser combined with a 1GB MP3 player. To quote the press release, “the MPH allows for both personal protection and personal music for people on the go.”
   "The TASER C2 leopard print design provides a personal protection option for women who want fashion with a bite," said Rick Smith, founder and CEO of Taser International. In addition to the leopard print, other new TASER C2 colors include red-hot red and fashion pink.
   If you are like me, your first thought is something like this: “I like my tunes, and I like sending 20,000,000,000 volts of electricity surging through bad guys (or PeeWee Herman), so this sounds like a great idea.”
   Your next thought is, “I think I’ll go out and buy my significant other one of these nifty new C2 Tasers. I want her to be safe from would-be muggers, I want her to be fashionable, and I especially want her to be safe from PeeWee Herman.”
   Then doubts creep into your mind. You doubt the actual need of a personal protection device. You doubt the actual effectiveness of a personal-sized Taser. Finally, you doubt if anyone named PeeWee Herman has ever made a woman feel unsafe.
   After exuberance and doubt, reality begins to set in. You begin to analyze the whole personal protection device issue.
An image of coming in at 2:27 a.m. from a late night “with the boys”, squinting in the darkness to try to find the bedroom comes to mind. You are suddenly greeted by the face of a cold-cream covered Attila the Hun in a worn housecoat, dingy pink fuzzy slippers, hair mounded on top of her pasty head in giant curlers.
   You are frozen in fear by those eyes, those peircing, menacing eyes, glaring out from beneath the cracked and pasty mask. Cold chills run up your spine as you notice something you have never seen before at a moment like this.
That ghastly pasty face is actually smiling.
   Attila begins to sway back and forth in a rhythmic manner. As your eyes become adjusted to the dark, you notice she is wearing headphones. Attila is listening to some tunes. Maybe it’s not as bad as it first appeared. She seems to be enjoying herself.
   As you follow the chord down to her side, y ou notice the anniversary present you bought her. It’s the all new Taser holster and music player combo. But, curiously, the leopard print Taser is missing from the holster. Where could it be, you wonder?
   Her hand slowly comes level, and you see the leopard spots just seconds before you feel the shock.
As your eyes open, the sunlight streaming in through the slit bewteen the curtains hits your face causing you to close them tightly. Feeling dazed and disoriented you try to collect your thoughts.
   After a moment or two you realize the situation. You are on the living room floor, drool running down the side of your face in a puddle on the hardwood floor, and it’s now 6:17 a.m.
   Attila is sitting in the easy chair and coming from somewhere deep inside her is a sinister laugh.
The events of last night suddenly rush back into your brain like a runaway locomotive.
   It is at this very moment, you think to yourself, “I should have gone to Jared.”

Quantum theory is as simple as A-B-C

In a recent conversation with my future niece, Caitlin, I learned there is a newfangled kind of math out now that does not use numbers. I believe her class is called quantum theory and hogwash, but I could be mistaken.
"If it doesn't use numbers," I asked with a quizzical look similar to the statue of "the Thinker", "what does it use?" I should note that although I had the same expression as "the Thinker", I was not sitting on a rock naked at the time, much to Tyler and Caitlin's relief.
Caitlin said quantum math uses letters rather than numbers.
Using exhaustive research techniques, meaning I went immediately to the internet, I searched extensively for a definition of quantum mathematics.
The closest thing to a definition I found was printed in the American Journal of Economics and Sociology. It states "The holistic approach of quantum theory is investigated as a tool for social economists to analyze and to interpret socioeconomic reality and paradigms."
In layman's terms, this simply means, "A type of math that has no practical use in everyday life and has been inserted in the college curriculum to make the institution's list of courses look impressive."
I looked at a few of the equations found in quantum mathematics and discovered something interesting. Most of the equations look very similar to ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. The equations were filled with giant Greek "E"s and little squiggly lines and mysterious symbols used in plastic secret decoder rings found in cereal boxes. The equations also contained, as stated by Caitlin, a bunch of letters.
I immediately asked Pat and Vana if I could buy a vowel.
Things must have changed a lot since I was in school and learning math. As a matter of fact, when I was in school we thought math started with an "R", along with reading and "riting".
In kindergarten the only math you needed to know was how to count to 10. This is primarily because that was all of the fingers and toes you had. I'm still not sure how many the kid from Deliverance had to count to.
In first grade you began learning simple mathematical calculations such as addition and subtraction. We would learn with real world practical word problems.
The hardest question you might encounter would be "If Johnny had four apples, and he gave one apple to Jane, what is worse than Jane finding a worm in the apple?"
Since the answer is, "Finding a half of a worm", we were now moving into advanced mathematics and fractions.
After mastering addition and subtraction, it was time to learn the multiplication tables. In class, everyone always raised their hands on the "1"s, but very few would volunteer to do, say, the 9s or especially the 12s.
Can anyone explain why the multiplication tables went to 12? You would learn each number's table up to ten, but then you also had to know the 11s and 12s.
I am sure some psycho math teacher was sitting around one day randomly giving "F"s to her students between classes and looked at the clock. The clock's face had 12 numbers, not 10.
A sinister "Grinch-like" smile slowly came across her cragged face and it was then she decided to torture her class by making them remember two more sets of multiplication tables. From there it spread like wildfire from math teacher to math teacher.
Speaking of spreading like wildfire, in middle school the teachers told us we must learn the metric system. Their reasoning was simple. The rest of the world was using the metric system and the U.S. would convert within 10 years.
It has been 33 years and to date, the only metric conversion I am aware of are large cola bottles. The large ones come in one, two and three liter bottles. The smaller ones, however, still measure in ounces. Even cola companies are not completely sold on the idea.
I understand the metric system measures everything in tens. Because of that, everything is supposed to be simpler. The problem is convincing everyone to remember a dekameter is 100 meter and that a hectometer is 100 dekameters and a gigometer records how many times a certain song is played at "gigs" by local bands.
Speaking of gigs, I have yet to play my first "gig" with the bass, because, basically, I would have to find a band that only played Louis Louis (with no wild improvisations).
You will have to excuse me for now. All of this math talk has caused cold chills to run up my spine. I think I'll just wail out a few unrecognizable bars on the four-string and down a 24 ounce Pepsi.